


Forget Me, Not?

by casualtheory



Category: GOT7, TWICE (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Diary/Journal, F/F, Multi, POV First Person, Ratings: R, Slow To Update
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-26
Updated: 2017-11-09
Packaged: 2019-01-23 15:14:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12510232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casualtheory/pseuds/casualtheory
Summary: Are people capable of moving on? When someone makes such a drastic change in your life and becomes everything you think about, it’s painful to see that person gone the next moment. Every trace of them existing has ceased to exist, only your memories of that person are still alive. When your life revolves around that person, they are your happiness, anger, pleasure, disappointment, and they become your existence. You begin to wonder if you fell too hard too fast, most will say yes, but how can we control our feeling to such extent. We just feel, then we act accordingly. No one can say it's completely wrong, not even ourselves, because at that moment it was what you wanted. Can people really adapt to no longer having that person who was, and still is, their world no longer around them. Can you truly forget about that person or just come to accept the circumstances? Can you really kill your own emotions, or will you let it consume you and bring you to ruin? Reading the diary from one of the many people who have befallen this fate, we learn about their personal experience, whether this person has been able to make peace with themselves and the one who left them a broken being.





	1. The Start of Bitter-Sweetness

**Author's Note:**

> Story Index:
> 
> Usually at the start or end of each chapter there will be an intro/conclusion from the narrator the "recollection" (This is in a diary format, so the story is being retold) or actually story telling will be indicated by a line separating paragraphs like so:
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> 
> This story is being told in first person, so you will only know what the narrator knows or what is revealed to narrator. Throughout the story telling there will be font differences as well.
> 
> Font in bold lettering, is the narrator giving additional info outside of the story.
> 
> Font like italics, is the narrators own thoughts within the story during that time.
> 
> Hopefully this will lessen any confusion while reading the story. If there is anything that DOES confuse you however feel free to comment and I will respond as promptly as possible.
> 
> Throughout the story I will give hints from the character's personality, habits, so on and so forth before I give the characters name. Bear with me please, this is how I wanted to write the story and you are free to guess who it is from all the hints, all I ask is you don’t spoil it for other readers who are starting up. This fanfic will deal with MATURE content, from language, violence, and very touchy subjects (rape, drug abuse, suicide). Please read this with an open mind. I will have other characters aside from TWICE from the KPOP world, please don’t feel offended if I portray other characters as a complete a**hole or different from how they are in reality. I do this to fit the story and I hold all TWICE members and other KPOP celebrities in high respect, so this is not me disrespecting that certain person. Thank you for understanding and I will do my best to keep updates constant! Enjoy the story!

June 11th

Ummm… I don’t really know how to start this. I’ve never really written something like this before. I’m not the type of person who has this kind of thing, it feels stupid. But, my therapist INSISTED I do this, and everyone I talked to about this agreed. Great friends they are...honestly. Since I’m being forced to do this, I figured I would actually put care into doing it, you know, actually pour my heart out and see where it takes me. It…. it might also end up helping in the end, who knows really… I’m so desperate that I’m willing to do this just to move on, to come to terms with it. Now the question is, where in the catacombs of my mind do I begin?

 

I guess… This is the story of a special existence, one of course I didn’t know would change me in ways I couldn't imagine . This is me recounting the the memories everyone forgot, but I managed to hold on to. This is the story, no, scratch that. This is HER story among millions of other untold stories that have withered into nonexistence. This is about someone who didn’t deserve the fate that was casted upon them. This was someone who deserved more, I’m honestly happy that this person bursted into my life… because at one point, this person WAS my life, my new reason for existence. I love her with my entire being, I know that will never change.

 

To begin, the day started off like usual, and I was enjoying my final year at Seoul National University. It was already fall, and the sky had began to turn a dark grey, but I love this weather. Out of all the seasons, fall and winter were my favorite. Yes, I am a tiny girl, well, not actually tiny, but I still get cold easily. Even so, at least you can bundle up, have hot drinks, and keep yourself warm fairly easily. During the worst days of summer, there’s not much you can do but suffer.  I mean, I can’t take off my skin in order to feel refreshed, right?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

BRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNGGGGGGGG

 

“Okay class, I want you to read chapter 7 from xx by next Tuesday, we will finish chapter 6  on Tuesday and use the rest of the time to start chapter 7.”

 

“Nee, Gyosunim.” The class responded in coordinated disarray.

 

I was finally snapped out of my trance from staring out the window and began to pack my belongings.

 

“Miss Yoo.”

 

‘Ne, Gyosunim,” I turn to face him as I was a few step from passing through the door.

 

“How is your Senior Thesis coming along?” **He was on this topic again, I remembered that he always was a caring professor and he really wanted me to do well.**

 

“It’s going well, Gyosunim. Still in its early stages but I’m able to narrow down my arguments into a small pool to choose from.” I positioned my feet still facing the door, hoping he would get the message that I wanted to end this conversation.

 

“I see,” he exclaimed with eyes shining, full of expectations. “I’m glad you’re making the effort to start this early. Also, have you thought about my proposal?”

 

This time I turn to face him completely, “Ne, I have thought about it. But as of right now I’m still undecided.”

 

“That’s okay, I don’t want to pressure you so much, this is a big decision to make, take your time. If you need to talk about it, I’ll be here.” He smiled at me as he bowed and began to head towards the door. “Jai Gayo.”

 

“Jai Gayo, Gyosunim.” As I watched his retreating figure disappear, I tilted my head back and let out a long sigh.

 

 _He really wants me to continue on to graduate school, he did say he could easily give me a recommendation since he has colleagues at that university. But I still don’t know if I should pursue that path._ I thought to myself after reviewing my thoughts, when I knew I was getting nowhere I ruffled my short hair. I began to walk to the canteen to get a quick bite to eat before heading to my last class of the day.

 

I put in my earbuds as I walk, wanting to get my mind off the earlier conversation. Scrolling through my library, I decide to play ‘Don’t Wanna Cry by SEVENTEEN,’ I start to hum along to the music and begin to mouth the words. Once I see the canteen in sight, my stomach begins to growl at the thought of food being so close.

 

“HyyuuuUUUUUUNNNNNNGGGGG!,”

 

I felt a small frame crash into my body from behind, small arms snake their way around my waist trapping my arms as I get a bone crushing hug. I look down confused as I still had my headphones in, my body remains stiff until I notice a familiar ring around the person’s index finger. I begin to relax and let out a small laugh, I manage to drop one of the earbuds in my ear as I call out the person who charged at me.

 

“Now, can I please get an explanation as to why you attempted to tackle me INSTEAD of approaching me as a normal person, Chae?” I ask, raising my eyebrow and turning my head as far as possible over my shoulder to face the small girl.

 

“I WAS calling you like a normal person hyung, but you had your earbuds in and didn’t notice me trying to flag you down!” I can practically feel her pouting against me as she explains burying her face into the middle of my back refusing to let her grip around me loosen.

 

*sigh* “Alright, I understand. I was just trying to get my mind off a few things, mianheee Chae. Now, would you mind letting me breath?” I feel a smile form on Chae’s lips as she complies and finally lets me go. I start patting around my torso to ensure that I had no broken ribs or fractures. I hear playful chuckle behind me, and I turn to fully face the girl giving her a playful glare in the process.

 

After not breaking eye contact with her, I flash her a genuine smile which she returns full fledged allowing her dimple to deepen in impression.

 

“You still have one more class left, right hyung?”

 

“Yep, one more and I’ll be done for today,” I reply to her as we both head toward the canteen. “My last class for today is Political Science Capstone course, it’s such a drag at time but that just remind me that I’ll have Music theory tomorrow. I’ve been dying to go there and show gyosunim my work in process.” The mere thought of going to ANY music classes never fails to liven up my mood and bring a sparkle to my eyes.

 

“And how’s your thesis coming along?” Chae ask as she turns her head to look at me, ready to examine any changes in my expressions.

 

“Umm…. It’s getting there..”

 

Chae chuckles as I reply to her, my eyes glance immediately to the ground to avoid making eye contact with her. In a few meters we finally reach the canteen and we both ordered our food and drinks. We found an empty table closeby and after getting our food we sit down facing each other as I begin to chomp down on the food. While Chae is eating her’s at a much leisurely pace.

 

“You’re really not looking forward to completing that thesis, are you?” Chae asks, as I glance up from my food and see her eyes showing hints of worry. _She really knows me well. I’m glad I have her by my side._ After a slight pause, I answer back with a straight face.

 

“No. Not one bit. I just…. I can’t see myself going that way, being a politician I mean. I don’t feel happy with it. Yeah I do well with all the classes pertaining to Political Science, but I just go through the motions.. I loathe going to each of those classes, my only FUN experience is my music major.” Feeling irked about my current situation, I began to gulp down my drink not intending to savor the flavor of the peach green tea I ordered, but instead savoring the cold numbing feeling of the liquid gushing down my throat.

 

“I know, Jeongie… but considering how things were going. I still find it a miracle that you were able to strike a compromise with that mee-cheen-nyun (Crazy Bastard).” I smirked at her in response. **I knew Chae never liked him in the first place, he was incredibly strict with my family. He’s so conservative where he won’t listen to us when we talked to him about changing his methods of approach.**

 

“Thanks, tiger dongsaeng. But in the end he is still my abeoji, he’s still family. So it’s hard to approach him when it comes to what he set his mind to, you know, that classical politician mentality.” I rolled my eyes as I decided to drop this subject. But Chae wasn’t having it.

 

“One of these days I’ll teach him a thing or two. I’ll let him meet the boys and then he’ll change his mind!”

 

I looked back at her, raising an eyebrow with a look of confusion on my face, “The boys? What the heck do you mean by ‘the boys’?”

 

“These boys,” she states as takes off her green coat and rolls her short sleeves up to her shoulder and raises her arms starting to flex. “Jeongyeon, I want you to meet Mark-” she says as she kisses her left bicep, “and Jackson-” she proceeds to kiss her right bicep, “otherwise know as MarkSon, THE BOYS!!” She looks at me while still flexing, confidence oozing out of her face.

 

I look at her with eyes wide, mouth slightly open, before I lose my composure and begin to laugh loudly.

 

“Pfffttttt- ah hahahaha! Ma-MarkSon?? Hahaha is that re-really the best you c-can do Chae?? Hahahaha!!” I couldn’t stop laughing as Chaeyoung continued to roll with her previous joke. She begins to flex in various body builder poses all the while beginning to stand up on the bench and place one foot on the table in a display of dominance.

 

“You’re laughing now hyung, but you won't be laughing when I punch your dad’s teeth in!!” She begins to shadowbox with an unknown entity as soon as she gets off the table, throwing jab after left hook, followed by an uppercut. All the while she’s ducking and rolling her upper body as if the unknown entity is fighting back.

 

Still laughing I try to catch my breath while I attempt to speak to her in broken sentences. “HAHahaha Y-yaahhh, care-careful Chae. You can -haha- knock over your dri-” before I finished she did as I predicted. While being so into her shadowboxing she threw a left hook too close to the table and ended up hitting her cup head on spilling the drink everywhere. She pauses, her round eyes widening bigger that I thought possible with sudden realization. She comically fell to her knees staring at the crushed cup that held her drink not long ago, while the liquid was sprayed all over the concrete ground with no hope of salvaging anything.

 

“My….my youthberry wild orange blossom tea…” Her voice barely above a whisper, one that I was just able to make out. “WAAAAAAEEEEEEEEE?!?” she screams, raising her arms and head to face the sky, as if she was seeking a direct response from whatever gods resigned her to this cruel fate. And I completely lost it.

 

I fall to the ground, and clutch my stomach I feel pain on the side of my stomach but I didn't care. I was laughing way too damn hard.

 

“AHAHAHAHAHAHHA-*gasp*-AAHAHAH. I-I freaking told you!! Ahahahahaha, oh god m-my stomach. I can’t breath!! YOu’re gonna kill me Chaee! Hahahaha.’”

 

After staring at the sky she turns her head to my figure that’s rolled up into a ball. She looks at me while the edges of her mouth pull down into a frown. Tears begin to form at the corners of her eyes.

 

“Yaaahhh! It’s not funny hyung! I’m so distraught now. You know how much I LOVE youthberry wild orange blossom tea!! Neomuhaee!!”

 

After finally calming down I get up and head to the canteen to buy my dongsaeng another of her favorite drink. When I return to her she is still in the same position I left her, on her knees and staring at the now drying liquid soaking the ground with a look of longing plastered on her face.

“Come on, get up!” I take her hand and help her stand, still holding the same hand I turn it palm towards the sky and place the brand new drink in her hand.

 

“Thanks, Chae.”

 

She looks at me, vacant eyes slowly getting their liveliness back.

 

“For?” She questions, tilting her head towards the side in a cute manner.

 

“For cheering me up.” I reply to her smiling broadly, exposing my pearly white teeth.

 

She looks at me for a second then down to the drink in her hand.

 

“Well… the ending wasn’t how I planned it, but at least there was some benefit to it all.” She says solemnly. She raises the cup to her lips and takes a big swig of the liquid, instantly her facial expressions does a 180 and she return to her bubbly personality, a smile beaming on her face.

 

“You have class soon, right?” She asked me.

 

“Ne.”

 

“Come on! I’m done for today, so let me walk you to your class.” She exclaims while hopping in place. Getting a rush of unknown energy she heads back to the table and begins to clean with inhuman speed (not literally).

 

After cleaning our table and gathering our belongings we head towards the building my class is in. We ramble on and on about nothing in particular, just one of those conversation that lead one thing to another. Several people passed by me, but they never caught my attention as I continued walking. Not until one person passed by me that I froze in place.

 

 _Rosemary._ The scent of rosemary was slight, but it was enough to make an impression on me. It smelled so relaxing, I love the smell of Rosemary, it always brought me joy and peace of mind as a child. I turned around hastily as I see a retreating figure walking in the opposite direction. I couldn't see the person face but I did see their hair. Chestnut brown, the length falling just passed her shoulders flowing behind her, similar to a cliche movie scene where the female role gets introduced in the most dramatic way. She walked with a certain swagger, each step filled with confidence. I could vaguely make out her body outline as I caught myself entranced with this unknown person. As soon as I encountered her, she was gone, out of sight as she turned a corner and I was left staring where she once was, yearning to know who she is.

 

“...ung….hyungg… JEONGYEON!”

 

I was snapped out of my thoughts as Chae’s voice brought me back to our current reality, he voice surprising me causing me to just a little.

 

“WHAT. What, why did you scare me like that, what’s wrong??”

 

She looked at me dumbstruck.

 

“You’re the one who suddenly scared me! You stopped abruptly while we were walking and you weren’t responding to me when I was calling your name. Whats happened? Why did you freeze up like that? Who were you looking for?” She asked me with sincerity and worry clear in her tone of voice.

 

I stayed silent for a few seconds, rethinking everything that just happened.

 

“N-nothing…” I muttered out, as I glance behind me. Where the girl who might not really exist was just a few moments ago. I looked back to face Chaeyoung, Her eyes looking up, directly at mine, they glanced back to the location I was staring at moment ago. I could see gears were turning in her head trying to make sense of my strange actions, when she looked back making intense eye contact. I guess she decided to leave it alone for now, as she flashed a smile and continued the conversation we were having.

 

“So, as I was saying before, do you wanna go to a karaoke room tomorrow you’re done with your class?” She looked at me eyes beaming, knowing what my response will be.

 

“NEEEE~” I responded absolutely giddy, my reaction turned into that of a 4 year old getting to choose a toy from a wide variety lined up in front of the child.

 

“I knew you would,” she smirked knowingly. “The rest of the group will be there too!”

 

“OMO! I can’t wait!” My eyes were beaming happiness. This just shows how much I absolutely love music, a karaoke room is my favorite place to go, just to be able to relax and sing your heart out.

 

We bid our goodbyes till tomorrow, and the rest of the class flew by, I was just so happy, tomorrow I’ll be in my favorite class, and later visit my favorite location!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

All the thoughts that I had previously disappeared. I had even forgotten my encounter with that person. Little that I know, this was the first encounter that would derail my life.


	2. Trouble Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking a while to update. School is hectic, so I'll try to manage my time better. Enjoy!

June 24th

It’s been a...while since I wrote in this Journal, well “while” is an understatement. Nearly two weeks have passed since I last picked this up. And to give a little summary, I had another breakdown a few days ago. I was found at my house, the living room and bedroom were absolutely destroyed. It took a while for my friends to restrain me as I was still, well, not all there. I had sat in my room sobbing while they cleaned up the living room. I told them to leave the room as it is, that I would clean it up later. They nodded with a sad expression plastered on their face. I put them through so much and they stayed by me this entire time. This is another reason why I’m doing this journal, so they won't have to suffer through my instability.

 

After the last time I wrote, it hurt, so much recalling these memories. What I saw, felt, smelled. It was terrifying what little memory that I recalled made me feal. It was painful, I talked to my therapist two days after the last entry at our usual scheduled meetings. And told her I started to write, she was happy, she congratulated me on taking the first step. I just nodded to her absentmindedly in response. I told her about how much it hurt to recall and explain what happened. She told me that it's an ongoing process, healing that is, and that it'll be a painful process, that I have to tell it exactly as it happened. As if I was telling this to a new friend. There’s no way around it, she told me that since I started it, I needed to finish this, or I could end up worse mentally than I am already.

 

I’m scared, terrified even about having to relive these memories. But I need to, for my friends, and for myself. It’s been 4 years 7 months since I last saw her. I’m tired of this, but can I really move on from her?

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

“Thank you, eonnie! You really are great at this.”

 

“Don’t worry about it, I’m glad I was able to help.” I flashed a smile towards my hubaei as she leaves the classroom in a hurry.

 

*Sigh*

 

While I love this class, I can still say that it’s very tiring, but it’s an accomplished tired. _I really wanted to show gyosunim what I had so far before he leaves on a buisness trip today._ While lost in my thoughts I unconsciously walk to my table and rummage through my backpack, pulling out my notepad with many previous songs I’ve written over the years along with new unfinished ones. I open the notepad and flip through the pages till I arrive to my latest work.

 

I’ve been working on this song for weeks, I didn't think I would put in so much effort, but I found myself constantly changing things here and there, changing words, trying to find the proper key to play the song in and find an appropriate melody. But there was still some things that were missing that I couldn't figure out. I was hoping to get help from gyosunim.

 

_You’ve thrown a stone at my quiet heart_

_Maybe you don’t know_

_Tell me, maybe what you said before_

_Was just a joke, oh_

 

_I want to tell you, without sounding awkward_

_But it won’t turn out well, I’ll look back and regret it_

_Like a fool_

_You’re always in my heart_

_But I’m just impatiently waiting, yeah_

_I’m like a fool_

 

_Boy I’m your fool_

_Boy I’m your fool_

 

_It might be a childish thought, it might just be an illusion_

_I might regret it, but boy you’re my first love_

_Oh don’t you play with my head_

_Hey, don’t laugh like_ -

 

“Jeongyeon? You’re still here?”

 

My eyes left the paper as I look up to see my professor. “Gyosunim! Don’t you have to be out of town soon?”

 

“Ne, I do. But I didn’t get a chance today to tell you the news. Also, I’ve told you before, but you can drop the formalities.”

 

“Sorry gyosunim, but I hold you in higher standing that myself, and my respect for you won’t allow me to call you anything less than gyosunim.” I bowed my head slightly as I was saying this. _I really do hold this man in high respect, he’s an amazing man who’s worked as a part time producer with several major entertainment companies._

 

He smiled, “Well that’s fine, continue as you like. So what I was going to tell you is, several of the major entertainment companies are gonna hold a competition for producers and lyricists. I want you to take part in the competition since I know the potential you have.”

 

“Jinjja?” My eyes widen at this opportunity, “Assa!! I’ll do it! When do I have to submit it?”

 

“By next Monday, I’m sorry it’s so short notice but I was just told this late last night. I’ll email you the information on how to submit it, in the meantime excuse me, I really should go. And remember class is canceled on Monday since I’ll still be out of town. See you Wednesday!”

 

“Wait, gyosunim!”

 

“Yes, Jeongyeon?” He asked as he popped his head inside the classroom. _He’s really fast, he must be in a rush. I have to make this quick._

 

“I wanted to ask if you can look over a song I’ve been working on for a while, I need help in the chord progression!”

 

He looked at me, a sad grin on his face, “Mianhamnida, Jeongyeon. I won’t be able to have decent sleep this weekend. There will be a meeting every other hour, so I won’t get the chance to look at your work. Next time, I’ll gladly help you.” He smiles and waves at me as he disappears out the door.

 

I droop my shoulders in disappointment, a loud sigh filling the room. _I really wanted his help in finishing the song, although thinking about it, if I decided to turn this song in it wouldn’t be 100% my work._ I sighed again loudly as my gaze drops to the ground.

 

“Would you quit it with this gloomy atmosphere, geez. If you wanna be depressed go somewhere else.”

 

A voice interrupted my silence, I look up to see a man with a loose black short sleeve shirt, that was longer in the back than the front, worn over a grey muscle shirt that showed in the front, with black slack shorts falling past his knees. He had on black and white classic low top converse with black crew socks. To finish his look he has a black flat cap and an arrogant smirk on his face knowing he disrupted my peace and silence.

 

“What are you doing here, Namjoon? And wipe that smirk off your face.” I look back at him with a blank expression on my face, hoping he gets the message that his presence is disliked here. He looks back at me, his arrogant smirk increasing in intensity. _Yeah, he knew that I dislike having him around._ I just roll my eyes at him.

 

“I refuse, also call me Rap Monster like I told you to years ago.” I make eye contact with him, seriousness evident in his glare. _Wow, I’m at a loss for words at his stubbornness when it comes to his name._

 

“Nope” I say popping the ‘p’ for emphasis, “I refuse as well...God of Destruction.” I grin evilly as he blanches when the words leave my mouth. Beads of sweat appear on his forehead. After a moment of silence he replied quietly.

 

“...please don’t mention that name again...N-Namjoon is fine.”

 

I raise my eyebrow at him, “Don’t want your fans to know that your badass facade is all just an act? Wow, how sad.” I told him tilting my head to the side and pout my lips. His eyes narrow dangerously as he clenches his fist.

 

“Would you shut your mouth, Ostrich.” His face showed visible agitation, until it suddenly drops and his face returns to that same arrogant smirk.

 

“Well that’s fine either way, I’ll just have to claim the top spot in the producer competition.”

 

My face drops as I hear this, “Hm, so you will be joining as well, huh?”

 

“Of course I will, you know I can’t let my amazing writing talents to go to waste. I always have to remain above everyone else. None of the kids in class can even compare to me, you barely come close to being good competition. So you should feel honored that I let you be my rival in this mundane class.”

 

“I should be ‘honored’?” I scoff and roll my eyes, _how arrogant can this person be?_ “Yeah, no. It’s more of a burden being in the same room as you. To be so cocky is quite sad actually, are you trying to cover up for something you’re lacking I presume?” I glance down towards his crotch and squint my eyes, trying to find a nonexistent object.

 

I look back up at his face only to see a hateful look plastered on it, I see his eyebrow twitching and it’s quite notable that he took offense to that. I smirk at him while making eye contact. “Omo, is it true?” I sarcastically gasp and raise a hand to cover my mouth, pretending to be shocked at this ‘surprising’ news. “You have a small pe-”

 

“Would you shut your mouth! I don’t want to be told about being a man from a dike like yourself. Honestly you’re just craving to have it, huh? You crave to know the true pleasure of being penetrated. Well, being the generous guy that I am, I can tell you all about you’re missing out.”

 

He looked at me confidently as if he had now tilted the scales to his favor. Like he had won. But it has only begun. I look at him dead in the eye while tilting my head placing a finger on my chin, pretending to be deep thought.

 

“So, you’re saying you know the pleasure of being penetrated from personal experience orr…”

 

He was absolutely furious, his face contorted in anger as his fist clenched at his sides. He began to breath heavily and more audibly similar to an enraged dragon preparing to spew fire at the dungeoneers stealing from it’s hoard of riches.

 

“You disrespectful, UNCULTURED SW-”

 

Before he could continue he was cut off by the sound of my phone ringing. I took out my phone to answer the call while turning sideways, raising a finger to signal him to wait a moment. From the corner of my eye I can clearly see him flabbergasted by my actions. Then he visibly begins to calm down, controlling his anger and unclenching his fists. I hear him sigh as he runs a hand down his face before I turn my full attention to the call.

 

“Yeoboseyo.”

 

“Hyung! Where are you? We’re all headed to Noraebangs. It will be about 45 minutes before we get there.” In the background you can hear many voices talking over each other.

 

“Sorry, Chae. I’m still at school I was just leaving,” I turn my head to glance at Namjoon just in time to see him break one of the legs of a chair he sat down on. He falls to the ground and lays there, he reaches for the leg that broke off and holds it above himself. He mutters incoherent things while shaking his head and finishing with a loud sigh. Amazingly, he surprises me when he drops the leg on his face, yelping in pain he holds his face as while rolling side to side on the ground groaning.

 

I suppress my laughter while replying to Chaeyoung in soft spaced out words, “Pft...I..I’ll be there...s-soon Chae...heh..” Before she can answer I hang up, I quickly grab my bag and rush out of the room, but I pause and peek my head back into the room for one last statement. “ANNYEEONNNGGG GOD OF DESTRUCTIOONNN~” I burst out laughing when I leave, but I still manage to hear his response before bolting out of the building.

 

“HAJIMA.”

 

I couldn't stop laughing as I left the building, many students that were still there were staring at me as if I was a lunatic, but I didn’t care. I continued to laugh as my feet kept walking stopping at the bus stop at the outskirts of the university, soon after my laughter died down before it’s replaced by an audible sigh paired with an absent face. I waited for 15 minutes, before absentmindedly stepping onto the bus. _When did our relationship get so bad? I knew it was always jumping around to extremes, but before I used to respect him and his ability. Now it’s just irritating to breath the same air as him. We work fine, actually, we work fantastic together when it comes to music and projects but outside of that were always clashing and harshly criticize each other. We’ve even gone as far as to sabotage solo projects we work on…_

 

I trailed off, lost in my own thoughts as the bus stops, 40 minutes passed without me noticing, I decide it's best to push these thoughts out of my head as I get off to switch buses. I plug my earbuds into my phone and begin to listen to music while I wait for another 20 minutes to arrive at my last stop. G-Dragons “Crooked” begins to play and I soon become immersed in the music as song after song plays.

 

On the last stop I hop off the bus and walk until my eyes catch a familiar color pattern that makes me halt. I raise my eyes and a smile creeps up on my face. _Noraebangs_. The white building loomed over me with its colored light strips outlining the middle and outsides of the white building. The five tall windows gave glimpses of people enjoying themselves, not a care in the world as they passionately sang their heart out and moved their bodies. My eyes scanned each window until it came upon a familiar group of people.

 

_Bingo._

 

I walked briskly into the building, responding offhandedly to the receptionist about my friends already inside a room. I begin to walk faster as my feet reach the stairs. Soon enough I’m met with a maroon door, I hear several voice talking over each other in muffles but one resounding voice overpowers the rest. _Hehe, they seems to be arguing about the next song to sing_. I take a breath and open the door, several eyes turn away from the screen to face me. Not a second later I’m greeted by several excited exclamations I can barely understand, I smile at the welcoming sight, my pearly whites shining brightly.

 

I’m then tackled by several people, Chae being the first one to get to me before the others.

 

“You’re finally here!”

 

“What took you so long, eonni?”

 

“Finally, we were just about to start your favorite song!”

 

“Don’t make us wait so long, Jeongyeon!

 

“I...can’t...breath.”

 

They all pause their chattering before looking at me gasping for air. They begin to laugh before releasing me one by one. I bend over hands on knees, exaggerating my near death experience as a few girls continue to chuckle before smacking my arm playfully.

 

“Yaaa, stop over exaggerating, Ostrich!”

 

I turn to face the owner of the voice before playfully glare at her. “I’m not exaggerating bunny, I nearly died!” I straighten up as my arm is smacked once again. Nayeon begins to giggle as I make faces at her. I turn my attention to the other girls looking at me. “Hello my loves!” I raise my arms high in the air as my own special way of greeting everyone.

 

“Eonnie, since you’re late, you have to sing a song of our choosing!” A booming voice rises above the rest, causing everyone to turn and meet with big round brown eyes. I smirk towards the girl whose eyes shine micheviesly.

 

“Alright, what song did you have in mind?” I answer back while crossing my arms, openly challenging her back the way she did to me. My face, posture, and eyes ooze confidence, ready to take on whatever she throws at me.

 

“So. Chan. Whee’s. Tears.” She pronounces every syllable clearly and slowly, and she smirks when she see’s my eyes widen a little in response. The room is silent except for a few audible gasps from the girls. Everyone knows I can’t reach that vocal range that I would just make a fool of myself. But, I’ve already come this far, I cannot back down from this challenge. After a moment of silence, I finally speak up making sure to sound as firm and confident as possible.

 

“...Call.”

 

Several oo’s are heard around me as I reach out my hand, palm facing up. “Hand me the mic, Mic.” Jihyo eyes widen at my first response before she begins to roll her eyes at my pun.

 

“You know eonnie it was applaudable when you accepted my challenge. But you ruined it with your lame pun, again.” She begins to chuckle as she hands me the mic before she goes over to the control searching for the song.

 

“HEY, my pun was amazing!” I exclaimed, feigning offense at Jihyo’s remark. “Right girls?” I ask, turning to face the girls behind me. Nayeon looks at me while shaking her head in a disapproving manner, Mina blanches at me before her lips curl in a small, almost unnoticeable smile, while Chaeyoung is hunched over clutching her stomach laughing. Between gasps for air, she replies to me, “Hahaha, I-I thought it was f-funny hyung.” She finally gains her bearings before straightening herself out and flashes me a genuine smile.

 

“Awww, thanks Chae! This is why you are my No Jam Bro, only you can understand my amazing sense of humor!” I engulf the smaller one in a hug while she begins to laugh at my rare show of affection. She then pushes me away towards the center of the room for me to prepare for the song.

 

“Minaarriii~” I hear Chaeyoung exclaim in her aegyo voice, I smile as I see the younger girl latch onto the raven haired ballerinas arm. _She’s still crushing on Mina so hard_.

 

Mina replies to Chae’s aegyo in the same manner while engulfing her in a hug as well before they both sit down to watch my performance. “Chaeengiieee~”

 

I’m brought back by the melodic guitar followed by the soft piano intro. I face towards the screen complete focus relevant in my eyes. I take a deep shaky breath and mentally prepare to make a fool of myself. _Hmm...I think I’ll just make this the best show they’ve seen._ I couldn't help the smirk that began to tug on my lips. During the last measure before the singing starts I decided it was now or never.

 

In sync with the blare of synthetic drums I raise my arm above my head while I spread my legs shoulder width apart in sharp movements. I continue the moments, striking a pose at each blare of instrumentals, I sway my body side to side along with the music and I begin to hear several cheers and clapping from the girls behind me as I entertain them. I take one last breath, filling my lungs with the precious oxygen I will soon lack. _Alright, Jeongyeon, knock them dead._

 

_Amu ildu negen omnun goya_

_Choumbuto urin morun goya_

_Oh non gurohke nal boneljusunun opkeni_

_Ijeradu narul ijoyahe_

_Kuron mosup shipchi anketchiman_

_Ajik nal kidarinun na narul ara maumi apa_

 

_Charari narul miwohe_

_Ije kuman nege miryon boijima_

_Dubon dashi non narul chatjima_

_Naro inhe apa haltenikka_

 

_Chaninhan yojara narul yokhajinun ma_

_Chamshi norul wihe ibyorul tekhan goya_

_Ijinun ma ne sarangul nonun ne ane isso_

_Giljin anhulkoya sulpumi kagikaji yongwonhi_

 

I was lost in the music, doing my best to pour my emotion into every word I sang. My lungs were screaming wanting me to stop but I kept going. I took advantage of the instrumental break but I kept swaying my body back and forth to the music. Just then I see Chae run up next to me, slightly pushing me and begin dancing like a lunatic next to me. Behind her Mina comes up and begins to dance along with her, but she wasn't alone. To my right, Jihyo and Nayeon run up and dance as well. Jihyo soon passes a microphone to Mina and Chae, while her and Nayeon share the other one. She flashes me a smile before darting her eyes back to the screen. I couldn't help but smile broadly, _These girls are the best._ I turn my attention to the screen with enough time to prepare for the second half. In an admirable disarray, we sang our hearts out.

 

_Charari narul miwohe_

_Ije kuman nege miryon boijima_

_Dubon dashi non narul chatjima_

_Naro inhe apa haltenikka_

 

_Kajyoga (HO) negeso (HEY) nunmon noye sarangul_

_Modun ge jipchokingol nodo ago itjana_

_Jidokhetton sarangtawin modu jiwoboryojwo_

_Giljin anhulkoya majimag sun gan kaji saranghe~_

 

I start gasping for air, my throat and lungs were burning. I glance around for a bottle of water only to feel a touch on my arm. I turn to come face to face with big round brown eyes and a knowing half smile as she holds out an unopened water bottle.

 

“You can’t be drinking cold water after straining your throat, this water is room temperature but it’ll still have the same effect in soothing your throat. “ She smiles a full smile this time, as I take the bottle from her hand.

 

“Gomawo, Jihyo-ya.” I began to drink the bottle thirstily, savoring the refreshing liquid cascading down my raw throat. I finished with a loud approval of satisfaction, “Ahh, as expected of a trainee, you really know how to take care of your vocals.”

 

JIhyo rolled her eyes in a playful manner, “It’s not something that impressive. You just get used to it, it becomes a habit really.” She makes eye contact with me again, “Are you still sure you don’t want to audition for JYPE? I know you’ll make the audition, and my opinion is only strengthened after your performance just now. You’re very charismatic, Jeongyeon eonnie, you have good vocals and you know how to drag others into your flow.”

 

“Thanks, but no thanks Jihyo-ya. I don’t really have the liberty to do such a thing, I’m lucky enough to be where I am now.”

 

She give me a knowing half smile, her eyes filled with understanding. She grabs hold of my arm before giving it a light squeeze, she mouths ‘Okay.’

 

Soon we are surrounded by the other girls as they gave me various compliments on my performance. I smiled wholeheartedly, while suddenly feeling shy at their various compliments. It didn't go unnoticed by the group.

 

“Wait, OMO! She’s blushing!” Chae blurted out, while the rest payed more attention on my every movement. I couldn't help but be even more secluded as their curious eyes were glued to my figure.

 

“She is! Little Jeongie is shyyy!!”

 

“She’s so cute!”

 

“How adorable!”

 

“Yaah! That’s enough teasing now!” I broke free from their amused eyes as I walked to the table getting another drink while fanning my reddened face.

 

“Hehe,” I turn to face the chuckle right behind me. Nayeon stares at me with kind eyes, her grin breaks into her signature smile. She raises the microphone towards me silently urging me to take it. “We still have a five hours to enjoy this before it gets dark, don’t tell me you’re tired already?”

 

I take the mic and a sly smirk creeps up on my face, “Fat chance! I’ve still got a lot more energy to pour!”

 

She smiles wider, “That’s our Jeongie.” She turns around and head back to the center of the room helping Jihyo choose our next song to sing.

 

Three hours in and we are still going at it. Chae and Nayeon are collapsed on the couch after their somewhat successful attempt of rapping Loner by Outsider. While Mina, Jihyo, and I were finishing up PSY’s Napal Baji. After a dramatic ending Jihyo and MIna took their place on the couch, lifting their hair to circulate air on the back of their necks. I glanced around at everyone, a small smile on my lips before I noticed that we had nothing to drink.

 

I clapped my hands to bring everyone attention to me, “Alright! We’re low on liquids so I will now be taking request for a specific drink you want, This will be on me!” The girls shout in approval at my proposal, I begin to point at each member asking what their preference is.

 

Jihyo didn’t take long to reply, “I’m fine with water.”

 

“Are you sure you don’t want anything else?”

 

She gave me a grateful smile, before nodding her head in affirmation.

 

I nodded back before turning towards the black swan.

 

She placed her hand on her chin and pondered for a few second before she gave me her response while smiling, “A green tea iced tea, please.”

 

“You got it,” I turned to face the ever fidgeting bunny. She placed both her hands below her chin in a flower pose, while looking up at me through thick eyelashes.

 

“Can I~ havveee~ a raspberryyy black tea?” She says in her best aegyo voice while bashing her eyelashes as me.

 

I blanch at her, followed by a visible face cringe. “No,” I reply curtly. Her face drops to a pout as her hands fall to her side.

 

“YAAA JEONGYEON”

 

I couldn't help and laugh at the eldests childish behavior. I turn to Chae, as soon as I make eye contact with her, she blurts out “YOUTHBERRY WIL-”

 

“Youthberry wild orange blossom tea, I should’ve known.” She pouts at me, likely because I cut her off. A giggle fills the near silent room, we turn to face Mina as her hand covers her mouth trying to suppress her giggle and failing miserably.

 

Chaeyoung’s pout deepen but soon converts to a full blown smile as Mina pats the empty space next to her, she raises her arms and leaves them open, nonverbally asking for a hug from the younger girl. Chae complies immediately as she dashes to fill the empty seat and arms of the ballerina, reciprocating the hug.

 

I couldn't help the fatherly smile that was on my lips, Nayeon and Jihyo were doing the same. “Alright, I’ll be back!” I announced as I left, when the door softly clicked shut behind me, I froze. _Rosemary._ I hastily turned around, eyes scanning every inch of the corridor, only one person came to mind. I saw her, but I only saw her back as she was walking down the stairs. I didn’t notice it then but I found myself memorizing everything that I could about her. She wore a loose, open shoulder, ¾ orange sleeve shirt tucked into black shorts with black and white buckled sandals. Just as soon as I saw her she was gone, again.

 

I blinked once, twice, before rushing down the hall towards the stairs, my body moved on its own as my mind was trying to catch up with what was happening. Each hurried step down the stairs only elevated my heartbeat, as I reached end of the stairs I jumped the remaining three steps landing hard. Using my ongoing momentum I ran to the entrance of Noraebangs, pushing open the door breathing slightly heavy. I turned left, right, forward, nothing. I didn’t see her, she was like a ghost appearing and disappearing whenever she pleases. I look up to the sky, take a deep breath, hold, exhale. _Why am I even chasing her? Why the hell am I so obsessed about seeing her? What the hell am I thinking, this is_ -

 

“Excuse me, Miss?”

 

I turn my head to face the receptionist who was standing behind the front desk, looking at me with curious eyes. “Was that your friend that just left? You seemed to be trying to catch up to her.”

 

I turn my attention back to the streets, few people were walking around the area as cars passed by, everyone in their own little world and going about the day. I glance one more time around the scenery, only to wind up fruitless.

 

I turn back to the receptionist, “No, she isn’t. I think I mistook her for someone I know.” I tried to give the most convincing smile I could, it either worked or she didn't care all too much about what was happening. I walk past her and head to the small cafe area next to the stairs.

 

I gave the cashier our order and decided to include a few snacks for the girls. I sat at the table waiting for the order as my mind went back to that girl. _Is it because I smell rosemary everytime she’s around? It could just be a coincidence, no one but my family knows how much rosemary brings back memories._ I sigh loudly, not caring about the glances the cashier is giving me. _Eomma I_ -

 

“Jeongyeon.”

 

I turned behind me to face the voice, “Oh hey, what are you doing here? Are you going to the restroom?”

 

She glanced down, while shaking her head side to side, her hair cascading down her face. “That's the excuse I gave to leave the room,” she said chuckling to herself.

 

“Excuse?” I looked at her, brows furrowed, “Why would you need an excuse to leave the room? I’m sure the girls wouldn’t mind your reason for leaving.”

 

“I came to see you, Jeongyeon.” She raised her head, brushing her hair back to reveal her face, she had a serious look in her eyes.

 

“Oh, you came to help? You don’t have to, I’ll be able to carry this back since it’s not much.”

 

“I need to tell you something.”

 

Silence filled the room, only the sound of plates and cups clattering mixed in with the clinking of ice was heard. I looked at her eyes, the same dark eyes I’ve seen for years. I silently urged her to continue. She fidgeted with her hands before she releases the breath I didn't know she was holding. “I love you, Jeongyeon.”

 

“Oh, love you too, you’re a great frie-”

 

“No, Jeongyeon. I’m IN love with you.”

 

I stayed silent, shock evident in my face. My mind was blank as I tried to find a way to respond. After a few seconds that seemed to drag out indefinitely, I opened my mouth before she cut me off.

 

“You don’t have to say anything, I know this is really sudden. But I wanted to express my feelings. I’ve been in love with you for a while..” She laughed, while shaking her head and glanced down, “Well…. A while is a bit of an understatement. You don't have to give me a response now, I’ll wait for a while, so you can think about it.”

 

She looked at me directly in the eye, before she gives me her most genuine smile, a smile that always sets her apart from everyone else. _A smile so memorable and unique that it was almost captivating._ “I’ll go back to the room first, see you there.” She waves her hand as she begins to ascend the stairs.

 

I’m left dumbfounded, I sat in the chair for a minute before my mind started working again. _S-she...she loves me?... How?..but._ I began to think back to all our interactions over the year, my mind was racing through each memory we created, but I couldn't wrap my head around her words.

 

*Ding diingg*

 

The sound of a bell brought me back to the present. I looked at the cashier as he stood behind the counter, tray in hand ready to hand over. I walked over to him and took the plate from his hands. While he continued to stare at me.

 

“I overheard that confession from before.” A smirk was plastered on his face, “Nice job, she’s pretty hot.”

 

I couldn't hold the agitation evident in my eyes as I took the platter of food and replied to him as curtly as possible, “Thank you for the food.” I turned on my heel and went up the stairs, but halted as I reached the door. Taking a deep breath I pushed every single thought to the furthest crevice of my mind. _Alright Jeongyeon, it’ll be fine. Just act normal….whatever normal entails at least._

 

“I have foooodd!!” I announced as I pushed the door open. All the members began to rush me as they took their respective drinks, thanking me in the process. After they dispersed, JIhyo and Chaeyoung began to argue which song to play next. Nayeon and Mina were on the couch munching on the various chips and biscuits I ordered.

 

I went towards the snacks and took a handful, I couldn't help but glance at her as she was conversing with the other. But I quickly looked away as she turned towards me, _great, now I can't even look at her in the eyes after what happened._ I took a breath and headed to JIhyo and Chaeyoung, who were still bickering about what song.

 

“Yaahh, enough, I’ll choose the song!” I grabbed the remote from them and began to scroll through the vast song library. Chae and Jihyo began to object, but soon Chae’s voiced softened as she began to study my face. I turned towards Jihyo, “C'mon, there's no use arguing about the next song, we still have a little over an hour so let's make the best of it!”

 

Jihyo rolls her eyes but agrees regardless. I turn to face Chae as she continues to study my face, I mouth to her ‘I’m okay.’ She continues to stare at me for a little longer, biting the inside of her cheek as she nods her head. Im grateful that she knows when to pry further and when to leave things alone.

 

An hour and a half flew by faster than I thought, now we were bidding goodbye to each other as we head in opposite directions towards our home. Chae, Mina, and Nayeon live towards the same direction, north of Noreabangs, while Jihyo and I live south. We wait for the bus as we talk with no clear path to follow. 15 Minutes after we get on the bus Jihyo gets off at her stop, we bid goodbye as I stay on the bus for another 20 Minutes before I get off the bus to begin the 20 minute walk home.

 

The sky began to darken as we left Noraebangs, with the arrival of fall the days began to get shorter. And the vibrant splash of orange, red, yellow have all but disappeared as the sun began to recede, with the moon slowly rising to take its place. The cool brisk air was refreshing, this alone time was something I really needed. I love the girls, I really do, they help me through so much, but I also like my alone time to think. I take my time walking, extending the usual 20 minute walk to a 30 minute one. I feel satisfied right now, with a lot of things, but that doesn't mean I’m not worried. That girl who I became obsessed with, I want to know more.

 

I pause while I walk, thinking back to what happened at the cafe. _She confessed to me. I admire her courage, but I just don’t know._ She’s pretty, beautiful even, but I can’t return her feelings. Not because she’s a girl, but because I never saw her in that way. I glance up and realize that I’m in front of my house, but I’m not the only one. Parked in our driveway I see a black sleek car, with tinted windows. Standing outside the car I see a man dressed in a slim black suit and white shirt with a tie loosened around his neck. He was leaning against the car's driver side door with a lit cigarette in hand blankly staring at the sky. The man constantly fiddled with his black straight hair that drooped over his eyes. He took another drag and as he exhaled he looked forward and noticed me.

 

He immediately straightened up and bowed towards me a full 90 degrees as his hands became glued to his side. “Good evening, Miss Yoo,” his smooth voice filled the silence in the air. I looked at him for a few seconds before I let out a laugh.

 

“Jonghyun, you don't have to be so stiff when greeting me. I’ve known for a long time, and please just call me Jeongyeon!” I rolled my eyes playfully. He began to raise his head and returned to his relaxed posture, he gave me a genuine smile before taking another drag of his cigarette.

 

“I know, but it’s your abeoji orders, you know how strict he is with respect.”

 

“Speaking of my abeoji, is he still inside?” I asked, uncertainty clear in my voice as I glance back to the entrance of the house and back to him. He smiles knowingly.

 

“He is but he’s been there for about seven minutes,” he says as he glances at his watch. “We have a tight schedule so he should be out soon, you won’t have to talk to him too long.”

 

I sigh as he finishes his words, as I reluctantly guide my body towards the front entrance. I stand in front of the door and I gaze up at the exterior of the house. Memories began to flood my mind, I shake my head free from these thoughts as I try to prepare myself to see my dad.

 

“Jeongyeon, hwaiting!” I turn back to Jonghyun and give him a grateful smile as he raises his fist in the air, urging me to do my best. I face forward and take a deep breath before entering the house. I quietly close the door behind me wanting to make as least noise as possible.

 

“Jeongyeon.”

 

I freeze a little, as I release the breath I was holding. I squeeze the door handle before letting go and face the thick husky voice. “Hello, abeonim,” I say as I bow towards him, before rising my head and looking up to him.

 

He stood tall and proud, he had a strong charismatic aura that has been harnessed over years of experience. His stoic face and the way he carried himself says it all, he’s a politician with big influence, and he takes pride in that. He began to descend the stairs as he continued to look at me, I felt small under his overpowering gaze, inadequate even. He soon reached the bottom as he fiddled with the cufflinks of his pinstripe navy suit, the silky fabric shone under any contrast of light and dark. But his black oxford dress shoes shone even more brightly, his black silk tie was neatly done by hands with years of experience, and in his coat pocket he had a blood red pocket square that stood out magnificently.

 

“Why are you returning home so late?” He asked as he took slow even steps towards me, only to stop two meters from me. His sharp, cold eyes stared me down as he waited for an answer. I visibly flinched as I stared at his suffocating gaze.

 

“I-I was with friends.” I managed to stutter out, as my eyes found the floor more interesting.

 

“You were with you friends? Hm. What of your studies, if you have enough time to mess around with your friends then you could use that time to study.”

 

I began to squish the palm of my sweaty hands, my shoulders tense. I look up to meet his eyes, “My studies are going well, abeonim.” I croak out, my voice barely above a whisper.

 

“They better be, but I will not continue to pay for your education if all you do is hang around your deadbeat friends. I could’ve sent you overseas to a better school but you decided to stay here. With your _friends_.” He stresses that word with distaste.

 

“They are not deadbeats.” I mutter, firmly.

 

He raises his eyebrow in surprise, “Pradon?”

 

“They are not deadbeats, they are MY friends and I love them. Don’t talk about my friends in that manner.” My voice rises in volume until I began to shout at my father, both hands clenched into fists firmly at my side.

 

“YOO JEONGYEON.” His voice boomed, echoing in the tall livingroom ceilings. I flinched and took a hesitant step back, my eyes began to shake in fear as my arm wrapped around my body to provide some safe haven.

 

He stood firm as always, his voice thunderous and heavy, anger all over his face. “I will not have my own daughter, my OWN flesh and blood disrespect me in such a way.” He took a step closer and I responded by taking a step back. “I put a roof over your head, FOOD in your mouth, THE MONEY FOR YOU TO GO TO UNIVERSITY. And you cannot show me one gram of respect for all I’ve done for you?!”

 

“The education you have given me is something you choose for me.” I began to retaliate, first with a soft whisper increased in volume as I continue to speak. “Something I don’t want to do, simply so I would follow in your footsteps, simply so I could continue your LEGACY. I don't want this, you want this! I don’t want to be a politician, I WANT to write music. I want to be a producer, I-”

 

“YOU WILL NOT FOLLOW SUCH A RIDICULOUS PATH. Where is the security in that, where is the stability?? I don’t want my own daughter to end up homeless on the street, you will become a politician and that's final! I agreed to let you double major in your idiotic interests to entertain your fantasy, under the condition that you will be by MY SIDE after graduation!! I showed you compassion by allowing you to-”

 

“Compassion?” I looked at my father bewildered, “COMPASSION?! I begged you for MONTHS, to let me decide MY OWN FUTURE!! How is that showing compassion when your own daughter has to beg for the sake of her future. You think you’re doing what’s best for me, but you are not! You’re doing what’s best for YOU. It’s always about you ever since eomma-”

 

My head snapped to the side, the my left cheek numb before it's replaced by a warm sting that spreads across my face. I slowly turn to my dad, perplexed by his action.

 

“Enough. Not another word from you,” his hand slowly falls back to his side as he straightened out his suit jacket. His enraged face returning to his usual stoic expression. “You will show me respect and I will always have the final say as your father. If you so much as falter in ANY political class this final year, I will cut you off completely and you will no longer be my daughter.”

 

He walks past me, as I am still left shocked and frozen. Silence filled the household as bridges began to burn, I only hear a deep exhale behind me before he speaks. “Do not disappoint me like your sister did. I can only handle so much, and you are balancing on a tightrope Jeongyeon. I was already disappointed when you told me you were gay. I don’t want to be disappointed again.”

 

That was the last he said before I heard the front door open and close. Once again I was left in silence. My shaky legs finally gave out as I collapsed on the ground. My glistening eyes never left the ground and I slowly brought my legs towards my chest and began to hug them. I whispered so softly that I could barely hear myself speak, “I never wanted to disappoint you, Appa. But I guess that’s all I- we will ever be. Your own daughters are disappointments to you, the only family you have left are just disappointments.”

 

I buried my face into my arms as I hugged my legs tighter, my shoulders began to shake as I sobbed. I sat there and just cried, I didn't try to hold back because I knew I would fail. So I just let them fall, my sleeves and pants became moist from my tears and I only stopped when I felt my head begin to ache. I sat trying to find comfort in my own arms, and eventually I stood. I stood and walked upstairs, dragging my bag behind me. Each step felt heavy as I reached my room, slowly pushing open the door. I left my bag at the entrance and just collapse on my bed numb to my surroundings. Letting my room engulf me in darkness.

 

The empty feeling didn't last long as I became enraged, several emotions wanted to be unleashed. I felt as if I wanted to explode, rage, fear, abandon, everything wanted to be let out at once. So, I did what I do best when I need to vent. I write. I stood from my bed and walked to the L-shaped wooden workstation at the corner of my room, I gathered everything that laid spewed on the desk and gathered them on one corner. I proceeded to grab a handful of blank computer paper from the printer on the floor. I walked back to my bag near the door and dumped everything on my bed. After finding my pencil bag I returned to the desk and dumped the contents of the bag on the desk. Pencils, markers and pens of red, blue, black, purple, and green ink splattered on the surface of the desk. I simply pushed them away from the small stack of paper in the center, and I grabbed whatever pen was nearest to me, I sat and wrote.

 

I wrote, and I wrote, and I wrote. I poured each emotion onto the blank paper that now became my canvas, my playground. I let each emotion take control of, letting them express themselves using my body as a medium, and I enjoyed it. My face that was devoid of emotion slowly began to regain its color with each pen stroke, with each new page. The red ink spoke words that I was all too familiar with, they spoke words of comfort reminding me that it will be okay. When my pen ran out of ink I tossed it and my hand reach towards a new pen. Blue ink began to dye the paper, and I continued to write. I wrote as if I was running out of time, I wrote everything I that came to mind until my hand gave out and lost its grip on the pen.

 

I finally stopped as my ink stained hand trembled and ached. I sat back in my chair, trying to even out my breathing as I stared at the chaos before me. I wrote in three different colors, red, blue, and black. The exact number of pages written was unknown, but it looked to be more than 15 pages. Not all of them were finished though, some were started but then left alone as a new emotion took control. But the last one I wrote was the one I was most interested in. It was about that girl, the nameless girl that has been occupying my thoughts the past few days. I stared at the paper reading through each sentence, each line.

 

_I think it was even before we said hi_

_Because there was just something different about you_

_An aromatic melody comes with the wind_

_I just feel good without a reason_

_Listen to the sound of spring coming_

_I wanna listen with you_

_Sitting on a bench with you_

_When I give you my earphones_

_It’ll be like sharing this spring together_

 

I smiled as I read the lyrics, thinking about that girl who I know nothing of. I suddenly remembered about my other song, the one I was going to ask gyosunim for help on. I wanted to use the rest of my energy to finish the song, before my inspiration ran out. I shot up from the chair and rushed to my bed, rummaging through the contents that were spilled along the surface. My original excitement began to die down, as my frantic searching became slower and slower. I suddenly increased the pace and began to examine each paper, binder, and book, but it wasn’t from a revived excitement, it was from panic. I threw all the papers around haphazardly, my breathing began to quicken as I stopped, staring at the mess before me.

 

My voice cracked as it came out softly, “Wh-where is my song?”


End file.
